Monday, June 23, 2014

Satire: Breaking news!

Yes, we have moved ahead since the days of good old Doordarshan newscasts.  Back then, a rose-bedecked Salma Sultan would read out sedately from a prepared script in front of her, with hardly any visuals supplementing what she was reading out.


Then came the teleprompters, and anchors would read the news from the screen in front, without having to look up and down from their scripts.  I remember one of the viewers complaining through his letter that reading from teleprompters made anchors appear to have stiff necks, as they did not move their necks up and down!  But now teleprompters are the norm, of course.  As also visuals - supplied by travelling cameramen and on-field correspondents.

The studio anchor interviews the on field correspondent, who then interviews another correspondent, or comments on the goings on behind her.  There are so many questions and answers relayed back and forth that it can become exhausting - and pointless.  The only option then would be to zap them - with the remote - thank god for this invention!  Works very well with that other telly abomination as well: K-serials.

Sometimes the entire newscast is broadcast from a particular place of topical importance.  There was such a telecast in UK, when global warming was an issue - the anchors were standing in a distant mountainous area with a backdrop of melting mountain snow!  What for?  Won't we get the picture if the same visuals could be projected while the anchor speaks from the studio?  How much money did the channel spend on this arrangement?  By transporting the anchors and setting up the equipment in such a remote area, did they not ironically contribute to global warming?

The other irritating aspect of news channels these days, especially Indian ones, is the panel discussions.  First of all, they get more panelists than their air time would allow, and then the anchor interrupts them so many times, that hardly any point is put across by any one panelist, hardly any conclusion reached in the end.  Grrr...either increase the time allotted for your program or reduce the number of panelists.

Another very irritating behaviour by anchors: neverrrrrr ending questions... Or poly-thematic questions - asking about two or more issues in the same question.  An example would sound like: "what were you doing in 1987, why did you do it and what impact has this had on your career and your family life: did it improve your prospects at work and your love life, or were you left to fend for yourself?"  

Err... could you repeat that please?  

And if these sort of questions are asked to a panelist far away, with a time delay on the phone, then you, dear viewer, are in for some serious entertainment: 

"what were you doing in 1987..." 

"I had just finished the course and..."

...why did you do it and what...

...I had started a part time job at... sorry?

...yeah, why did you do it and what impact has this had on your career...

...yes, I am coming to that...where was I....yes, the part time job...what?...

...you career and your family life...

...family life...well let's see...

...did it improve your prospects at work and your love life...

...family was in India at the time and... sorry, love what?...

...your love life... did it improve or were you left to fend for...

...family... love... oh get off me!

Yet another irritant: introducing the interview standing right next to the anchor prior to starting the interview.  "Well, we are here with so and so, who in 1992 was the first person to jump off a plane and do a perfect somersault before landing on his mother-in-law's barbecue!  Now let's talk to him about his..." (okay, I made the scene up, but you get the picture).

The studio anchor has just told us the whole scenario, why repeat the entire thing before talking to the person?  Just get on with the questions!

And then there is...

Breaking news!  A celebrity sneezed today: how's that for news that could affect your life endlessly?  One of the channels also has a scheduled breaking news segment!  The only thing breaking would be the TV screen when you chuck the remote at it!

Sensationalist headlines: Bomb blast rocks Chennai!  You later find out that the blast was on a localized railway track, and a handful of passengers were injured - the rest of the VAST city went on its business as usual.  But no, in news language, Chennai was rocked!

Can we have DD and Salma Sultan back please...yes, yes, even without the rose is fine!


Image sources:
http://www.indyarocks.com/blog/50650/Doordarshan-turns-50
http://thiruvananthapuramupdates.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/3.jpg

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